Enerchi Health - A complete Guide to Complementary and Alternative Medicine

FAQ's from EnerChi Health's Expert Advisor of Psychology & Stress Management
Anne Mahoney Ph.D., C.Psych., F.C.G.P.A

1. What is Stressful Anyway?
Stress is the word that we give our physiological and psychological responses to situations which threaten us in some way. Stressful situations can be divided a variety of categories. Including:

environmental demands
social stressors
physical stressors
cognitive-emotional stressors

Examples of environmental stress include:

weather conditions
pollution
noise
traffic

Social stressors include:

interpersonal stress
job stress
demands placed on us for our time or attention.

Physiological stressors include:

illness
aging
health concerns
menopause
as well as physiological symptoms (muscle tension, headache, upset stomach and anxiety) resulting from other types of stress

Cognitive and Emotional stress reflects our perception of our environment and based on that perception signals a fight or flight response under stressful circumstances.

Under all of these conditions is our perception of the situation that determines our response and ultimately dictates what is stressful. A common example of a potentially stressful situation is a traffic jam. In such a situation, if we relax and listen to some of our favorite music on the car stereo we may be able to view this situation as an unscheduled break or relaxation period in our day. If we think about this situation as an obstacle to getting our daily tasks done or a potential source of conflict because of being late for the next appointment then the situation more likely produces an increase in stress. In both scenarios the traffic jam is the same; what has changed is how we think about the traffic jam.

Take A Moment:

Take a moment to reflect over your day and see if you can find examples of where you were stressed and then recognize the thoughts which may have contributed to that stress. It is useful to remember that our perceptions are never about what is actually happening (traffic jam) but rather what we anticipate will happen (late for a meeting, conflict with spouse, opportunity to relax). This is relevant because it takes us out of the present moment and either places us in the future by anticipating an outcome or in the past by remembering a previous outcome. From this perspective what is actually stressful is the way we think about things and how we perceive things. It is possible to become aware of these perceptions as they race quickly through our minds and thus allowing us to make a choice on how we are going to respond to the external event. Training ourselves to pay attention to our thoughts allows us to step back and choose how to respond to external stress rather than automatically reacting to those potential stressors.

What can you do to become more aware of the perceptual triggers for stress in your life?

1. When presented with an objectively recognized stressor, for example, a traffic jam, turn your attention away from the stressor towards the thoughts going through your mind and write them down.
2. Bring your awareness to the physiological sensations in your body.
3. Intentionally let go of the thoughts or perceptions that increase your experience of stress and substitute those thoughts or perceptions with more neutral thoughts.
4. Bring your awareness back to the physiological sensations in your body and make a note of how they have changed.

2. What does it mean to live consciously?
This term is used to reflect the idea that we pay attention to our lives rather than live in an automatic, habitual manner. The process of living in a habitual manner leads to a dull, low energy state of being where the focus is on getting through the day, surviving the situation or waiting to get on to something better. The tendency is to zone out and to loose touch with our emotional needs, feelings and our dreams. Over extended periods of time this way of life may become debilitating, leading to a depressed mood, anxiety or substance abuse.

Paying attention to our lives involves living in the present moment rather than dreaming about the future, which has not yet arrived, or dwelling on the past which has gone and can not be changed. When we live in the present we naturally tend to slow down and that in turn helps us to get off the "habit" treadmill. As we slow down we are better able to enjoy the sights, sounds and smells that we have habitually ignored. Our thinking is clearer and our energy level increases.

Ways to train yourself to be present.

1. Take sometime everyday to meditate.
2. Once every hour take one minute to pay attention to your breathing as a way to refocus on the present.
3. Ask yourself "how do I feel at this moment?" Listen for the answer.
4. Sit quietly and reflect on your day, when were you present and when were you on autopilot?

3. How Can Setting Boundaries Help Me Manage My Stress?
Personal boundaries are the limits that we establish to protect ourselves from physical and psychological distress or injury. How other people respond to us, is in part, determined by how we establish our own boundaries. Boundaries can be established actively or passively.

Actively establishing your boundaries involves communication of your likes & dislikes, needs, values, interests, availability and other limits. When you accept the responsibility to communicate this information in a direct and respectful manner a sense of empowerment and personal control develops. These are conditions that help to decrease stress. Inappropriate communication of your boundaries may result in rigid overly controlled limits that are adhered to by others not because they respect you but because they fear you. This occurs when you communicate your limits in an aggressive, demanding or blaming way. These styles of communication are disrespectful to you and the other person and frequently leave the speaker (you) feeling misunderstood and isolated. These are conditions that serve to increase stress.

When you are not able to set your limits actively they are established passively. This may occur in one of two ways:
(1) First, you do not state your limits but go along with what the other person wants. For example, a neighbour phones to ask you to baby-sit. You had planned to take time for yourself but you agree to the neighbours request.
(2) Second, you may communicate your boundaries in an ambivalent way. For example, you ask your spouse not to make social plans without consulting you yet you regularly go along with the plans even when you are not consulted.
Behaviour speaks louder than words when it comes to establishing boundaries. Boundaries that are established passively leave you vulnerable to having your boundaries crossed. Most often this occurs through not realizing it is happening. The other person does not know that a personal boundary has been compromised.

Healthy boundaries are a dynamic and take into account external factors as well as personal limits. They change across time, circumstance, relationship and situation. In order to establish healthy boundaries you need to:
(1) Be aware of your limits.
(2) Recognize when those limits are not being respected.
(3) Speak in a clear respectful manner to the other person to establish an appropriate boundary
(4) Behave in a way that is consistent with the boundary you are trying to establish.

Healthy boundaries will help you manage your stress in a more positive, self-affirming way.

4. I Feel Overwhelmed, What Should I do?
We feel overwhelmed when the demands placed on us exceed our available resources. This may occur because of external demands (for example our boss demands we work overtime to meet a specific deadline) internal demands (for example, we demand an excessively high standards of work from ourselves) or because at the present time our resources are depleted (through illness, stress time restrictions).

Whatever, the reason for feeling overwhelmed the first priority should be to relax and centre yourself. The following breathing exercise may be helpful:

Sit comfortably in a chair, with your feet flat on the floor and your hands resting on your thighs or on the arms of the chair.
You may wish to close your eyes
Now inhale slowly through your nose
Exhale slowly through your nose.
Repeat this 4 or 5 times.

The intent is to exhale a little more slowly than you inhaled. It is often useful to count the inhalation and then exhale for 1 count longer than the inhalation. For example, if you count 4 on the inhalation then exhale for the count of five. If you feel light headed or dizzy at any time STOP and try the breathing exercise again later.

Once you have calmed yourself it is useful to assess the reason you feel overwhelmed. Are the external demands to high? If so, you can begin to unravel the confusion, panic or overwhelmed feeling by prioritizing the tasks and focus only on the immediate task. Each time your mind wanders to the other things you have to do gently but firmly redirect it back to the present task.

Are your internal demands to high? Are your personal expectations out of line with the external situation? You can asses this by listing exactly what you do expect of yourself in the situation. Then look at each expectation and ask yourself "Is that expectation realistic given the current circumstance?". Be honest with yourself about your expectations and about all the details of the situation. Just because something was possible yesterday, does not mean the same thing is possible today. The circumstances may have changed.

Are your resources depleted? Do you currently have the resources necessary to complete the demand (e.g., time, energy, knowledge)? If not, you may wish to reflect on your self-care. The following questions may be useful:

Do you have a balance between work, family and social activity?
Do you take time to relax (NOT distract) each day?
Do you schedule time for your self each day?
Do you exercise regularly?
How do your eating patterns impact your physical and emotional resources?

Most of us feel overwhelmed from time to time. However, if feeling overwhelmed has become a common occurrence in your life you may want to consider speaking to a therapist or lifestyle coach.

5. With all the demands of daily life, how do I find time for me?
The busy demands of our lives may leave us dreaming of a relaxing soak in the bathtub, a quiet day at home or a vacation. When it is not possible to take a break from the demands of our daily lives it is important to find ways to use brief moments of time in our daily routine for self care and relaxation. Learning to make use of brief moments of time helps to lower stress levels, increase energy, improve self-care and enhance mood.

The suggestions below are guidelines to help you get started.

THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF MAKING TIME FOR YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE THERE IS NO TIME.

When you find yourself with a few extra moments DON'T squeeze in an extra task, DO use the time to relax.
When placed on hold during a phone call DON'T get frustrated or begin opening the mail (or some other task). DO take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to relax.
When you are scheduling your time DON'T book appointments back to back. DO book more time than you think you will need for each of the items on the schedule. This way you will have some breathing space between appointments or tasks. Use this time to slow down and relax.
DON'T squeeze tasks (e.g. checking e-mail messages or returning phone calls) in between what has been scheduled. DO schedule all daily tasks including time to check your e-mail and return phone calls.
DON'T work through your lunch or supper hour. DO schedule a lunch break and a supper break. Use that time for yourself (go for a walk, listen to music you like, read a few pages of a novel).
Don't neglect your need for time (to socialize, relax, or exercise). DO schedule these activities in your weekly schedule and give them the same priority that you give the other appointments in your schedule.
DON"T say yes to every request. DO check your schedule and consider whether or not you can realistically fit in the request and if so when.
DON'T judge yourself negatively about your ability to find time. DO be creative in finding ways to make time for yourself.

6. How do I know what I want?
Some individuals have a clear sense of what they want, while other people feel perplexed about basic day-to-day decisions. Individuals who are in the habit of putting other peoples' needs & desires above their own may have lost track of what they want, desire or prefer.

The idea of putting our own wants first may seem selfish. Being selfish is generally considered a negative quality, something to be avoided. To be selfish is to demand your own way at the expense of others, not being considerate of other peoples' needs, wants & desires. However, if you never or rarely put yourself first you are at risk of losing your sense of self and placing an unfair burden on your partner &/or family.
Good psychological health is about balance. In this case knowing what you want or prefer without the expectation of always or almost always getting your way.

Becoming aware of our preferences helps us to define our sense of self. Our likes and dislikes, our dreams and hopes, our fears and anxieties become known to us when we pay attention to our preferences and make conscious choices. Knowing our preferences and stating those choices allows other people to get to know who we really are. Always agreeing with other people, going along with their opinions and plans restricts their ability to get to know us and we begin to loose sight of who we really are. When this occurs it seriously limits our ability to genuinely connect with others and can leave us emotionally isolated. Furthermore, it can be stressful for others to be around us if we never or rarely state our preferences. This places all the responsibility on the other person to make decisions for both people.

Here are some ways to help you get in touch with your own wants & desires:

Make the effort to make conscious choices. For example do you want to wear the brown shirt or the blue skirt today? Do not just do the habitual thing or make the habitual choice.
Do not let others decide for you. For example if your spouse or friend usually decides what movie the two of you are going to watch don't just agree, state your preference. If it feels like you don't care which movie you watch, try again. Make yourself pick one over the other. The object here is not to get your way so much as it is to begin to pay attention to your preferences.
Differentiate between what you want and what you think you should do. Wants reflect your preferences, shoulds reflect internalized rules that we have learned from others (parents, teachers and other authority figures). For example, when out for dinner with a friend you see a desert on the menu that you like and decide to order it. Your friend orders only coffee. You think you should pass on dessert because your friend has done so. You rationalize your decision in terms of the calories. Again what is important is knowing what you want and making a conscious decision to ask for it or not. This way you will not confuse wants and shoulds.

7. What is anger anyway?

Anger is a normal emotion like happiness, sadness, joy or excitement. Like all emotions anger consists of four components:
1. an emotional tone
2. cognitive processes
3. physical reactions
4. behaviours

When people simply "get angry", they often do not understand why they are angry or how to use the anger constructively. It is possible to have a healthy relationship with anger, the same way you can with all emotions i.e., joy, happiness, etc. Most of the time people focus their anger on the object, i.e., the situation or person that triggered the anger rather than using their anger to recognize their underlying problems or concerns. By learning to identify the components of anger, it is possible to recognize how you use anger and how you get stuck in your anger. Below is a description of each of the components:

1. The emotional tone is the feeling that goes along with any emotion. The emotional tone is most often either positive or negative. Anger is generally associated with a negative emotional tone.

2. The cognitive processes are the thoughts, memories and mental ruminations that occur in reactions to any emotion. These processes usually focus on the object(s) of our emotions. These processes act as fuel. When we are angry we often think thoughts which fuel our anger, keeping it alive and helping it grow. When this happens it can be very difficult to stop the process or to develop a different perspective about the object of our anger.

3. The physical reactions are our bodies reaction to the feeling tone and the cognitive processes associated with the emotion. When we are angry our bodies respond in a particular way. For example our heart rate and blood pressure may increase, we may experience muscle tension in various parts of our bodies, we may feel energized or frightened.

4. The behaviours are our verbal or physical reactions to the emotion. When people are angry they tend to direct their behaviour toward the object of their anger. This may be done directly (for example, yelling at your children when they do not do as you ask) or indirectly (for example, withdrawing from a situation in which you were angry).

Everyone gets angry and we all have a style or pattern of anger. The first step in developing a healthy relationship with your anger is to recognize your particular style of anger.

Do you know when you are angry?
Do you cover up your anger with other emotions, avoid confrontations, or go along with others request, denying what you want?
Do you get angry suddenly?
Is your anger disproportionate to the situation?
Are you frequently angry?
Do you use anger to get your way or to control those around you?
Do you harbour anger for weeks, months, years?
Do you enjoy being angry?
Do you use your anger to excuse cruel or disrespectful behaviour?
Or do you use your anger as a signal that you need to address specific problems in your life?
Do you acknowledge your anger directly?
Do you recognize your anger as temporary?
Do you let go of your anger once the issue has been addressed?
Do you take responsibility for how you behave when you are angry?

You can begin to get to know your anger pattern by becoming aware of each of the four components of anger. The next time you feel angry try to be aware of the emotional tone, is it possible or negative? What are your thoughts about the situation (or person), write them down. How those thoughts impact your anger? Do they increase or decrease your anger? Also list the physical changes that occur in your body when you are angry. How is anger reflected in your speech and behaviour? As your awareness of these components increases you may begin to recognize a pattern.

8. How do you get angry?

As discussed in the last month's "ask the expert" column, anger is a normal emotion consisting of four components:
1. Emotional Tone
2. Cognitive Process
3. Physical Reactions
4. Behaviours

These are broad categories which can be expressed in many different ways. Three of the most common patterns of anger expression are:
1. Explosive expressions of anger
2. Indirect expressions of anger
3. Chronic anger

Each of us has a primary pattern of anger expression. To learn to understand that pattern more clearly its necessary to focus on each of the components, writing down the specific thoughts, physiological reactions and behaviours when we are aware of our anger. In the way it is possible to map your emotional responses onto these patterns.

Below is a description of each of these patterns of anger in relation to the four components.

Explosive expressions of anger occur when the individual expresses their anger to a situation in a way that is aggressive, blaming and/or disproportionate to the situation. Individuals with this style of anger may use their anger to manipulate situations in order to get their way and/or to control their environment.

This style of anger may also occur as a consequence of shame and may be used as a way to push the painful emotion of shame out of awareness. The explosive pattern of anger may also be used by individuals who enjoy the adrenaline rush which accompanies intense expression of anger. Individuals who have this pattern are generally unaware of the emotional tone until the anger intensity is extremely high.

Their cognitive processes often include: thoughts which are rageful, irrational, blaming and global (rather then specific to the situation). These global thought processes may be directed at the target of the anger or they may cover up an internal sense of failure or inadequacy. The physical reactions are often heightened because of the intensity of the angry outburst.

Such physical reactions may include: an increase in heart rate, an increase in blood pressure, temperature increase in the body, redness in the face and muscle tension. The behavioural components consist of aggressive demonstrations of anger. These may include, verbally, physically or emotionally abusive behaviours.

Indirect expressions of anger occur when the individual hides his/her expression of anger through the use of denial, substitution, minimization or positive aggressive expression. Individuals who have this pattern may or may not be aware of the emotional tone. Their cognitive processes centre around thoughts driven by resentfulness, feelings of powerlessness, fear and a feeling of being trapped. Their thoughts tend to deny the anger or rationalize their reaction in a way that minimizes the awareness of the anger. Their physical reactions are minimal and often outside of their awareness. The behaviours associated with this pattern tend to be accommodating, ignoring the anger, peacemaking behaviors, behaviours which try to smooth things over or alternatively behaviours such as procrastination, breaking promises and forgetfulness (i.e., passive-aggressive expressions of anger).

The chronic anger pattern is found in individuals who see that the glass as half empty rather then half full. This pattern is typical of the individual who is critical of every circumstance and situation and who is quick to find fault with themselves and with others. They often leave other people feeling as if nothing they do is "good enough". These individuals tend to be aware of a negative emotional tone. Their cognitive processes tend to be generally critical. They are quick to see the errors, mistakes, faults and inadequacies in other people and situations. Their physical reactions often involve chronic tension and stress rather then episodic, situationally driven reactions. The behaviours associated with chronic anger are primarily negative verbal expressions, withdrawing behaviours, behaviours indicative of wanting to get away from the source of anger and avoidant behaviours.

All of us have a primary pattern of anger expression. To learn to understand that pattern more clearly its necessary to focus on each of the components, writing down the specific thoughts, physiological reactions and behaviours when we are aware of our anger. In this way you will be able to map your emotional responses onto these patterns to some degree.

These three patterns of expressing anger distort anger and use it to manipulate or control others. The external focus (i.e., focus on the target of the anger) limits the individual's ability to take responsibility for their anger and blocks the development of a healthy expression of anger.

9. Healthy anger

Anger is an emotion. Just like happiness, sadness, joy or excitement, anger is a normal part of life. It is okay to feel angry and it is important to give yourself permission to feel your anger. It is not okay to behave in ways that are disrespectful to yourself or to others when you are angry. Using anger as a weapon to control others or to punish others is unhealthy anger behaviour.

In order to develop a healthy relationship with anger it is necessary to become comfortable with your feelings of anger. Do you cover up your anger with other emotions? Do you avoid confrontations? Do you go along with other's requests, denying what you need or want? Do you ignore your anger? If you answer yes to any of these questions it suggests that you may be uncomfortable with your feelings of anger. Individuals with indirect expressions of anger (see last month's "Ask the expert" article) often have difficulty with recognizing their anger because of their beliefs about anger.

If you struggle with acknowledging your feelings of anger it may be useful to examine your beliefs about anger. Do you believe anger is a normal part of life? Do you believe that anger can be expressed constructively? Do you believe that nice people do not get angry? Do you believe that anger is a primitive emotion? Frequently, when people believe anger is wrong, inappropriate or unhealthy it is because they merge the feeling of anger with anger behaviours. In the September "Ask the expert" article four components of anger were distinguished: a) an emotional tone b) cognitive processes c) physical reactions d) behaviours. In developing a healthy relationship with anger it is necessary to separate these four components and recognize that the feeling of anger (the emotional tone along with the cognitive processes) is different from the behaviours which express anger to other people.

Once you are able to acknowledge your anger, you can use the feeling of anger as a signal that something is wrong in your life. In this way anger acts as a warning that there is a problem which needs to be addressed. In order to determine what the problem is you need to attend to the cognitive processes that are part of your anger reaction. Ask yourself "why did … make me angry?" This question is a helpful way of exploring what is going wrong. When you ask this question, it is essential that you focus on the cognitive processes and the emotional tone and not on the trigger (the other person or the situation) which left you feeling angry. For example, on your drive to work another motorist cuts you off. You rapidly become furious, swearing at the other driver and ruminating over the incident. You ask yourself 'Why am I angry?' if the instant response is 'the other driver is a jerk!' do not settle for that answer. Keep asking the question until you get to yourself. 'Why does someone else behaving like a jerk make me angry?' Maybe the answer will be that you felt frightened when the other driver cut you off or may be it will be that you were in a rush. If it is the latter, keep going and ask yourself 'why does being in a rush result in me being angry when I am cut off in traffic?' You may discover that you do not want to disappoint the person you are meeting or you may be embarrassed to be late for an important meeting or you may realize that your stress level is too high in general.

Once you get to this level of awareness you have identified the problem in your life that needs to be addressed. Once the underlying problem has been identified then it becomes possible to think about appropriate ways to address that problem. Rather then automatically resorting to your primary pattern of anger expression (chronic anger, in-direct anger or explosive anger, see October "Ask the expert" article) you can address the problem directly in an attempt to find a solution.

Sometimes this solution will involve speaking to the other person/people. Sometimes it may involve changing your own behaviour, such as leaving more time to get to appointments, taking a relaxation course or learning to let go of specific beliefs (e.g. I must always be on time). By recognizing anger as a signal that something is wrong in your life, that there is a problem which needs to be addressed, you are able to take responsibility for your anger. This allows you to respond to the problem rather than react to the emotion.

10. How well do you communicate?

Many individuals with excellent communication skills struggle to tell their family and loved ones about personal concerns or difficulties. Teachers who have won awards for their teaching ability don't discuss their frustrations with their spouse. Counselors who listen to other people all day are unable to hear their own children's concerns. Why does this happen? After all good communication is good communication isn't it? It must be the other person's fault, mustn't it?

In fact there are many forms of verbal communication. The clarity and precision used when communicating factual information is a different type of communication than communication on a personal level. Personal communication is primarily about emotions, assumptions and needs. Your personal communication will be enhanced by knowing what you feel, why you feel the way you do and being able to express those feelings clearly.
This knowledge involves:
(a) What emotion(s) you are experiencing in reaction to the situation you wish to discuss
(b) What assumption(s) you have made about the situation and
(c) What your needs are in relation to the situation
Working with these building blocks of effective communication will help you develop more respectful and effective communication.

What are emotions? These are the mental feelings that you have in reaction to a situation or person. Often people do not know what they feel. At other times they confuse emotional feelings with physical sensations or with thoughts. For example, statements such as "I feel tired" or "I feel sick" refer to sensations not emotions. Statements such as "I feel cheated" or "I feel judged" refer to thoughts. Statements such as "I am sad" or "I am angry" refer to emotions. In order to communicate effectively on a personal level you must know the difference between feelings, sensations, and thoughts. When expressing our feelings it is also helpful to use words that express specific emotions (e.g. happy, sad, angry, disappointed, excited) rather than general terms or value judgments. Words such as "good", "bad", "O.K." and "fine" when used in relation to feelings are vague. They do not convey what emotion is being experienced.

In order for communication to be respectful it is essential to acknowledge that your emotions are your own. No one else is responsible for how you feel. For example, if someone insults you and you feel angry as a result of what the other person said, the other person is responsible for the words said and for the intention to insult. You are responsible for your emotional reaction, i.e. your anger. The exact words said to a different individual with the same intention to insult, may result in her being amused. Our emotional reactions are in fact driven not by the external situation but by the assumptions we make about that situation. For example, if you call a friend and she does not return your call your emotional reaction will vary depending on the assumption you make about why she did not return your call. If you think your friend is avoiding you, you may feel angry or hurt. If you think your friend is sick you may feel concerned or worried. The facts are the same- friend does not return phone call- what changes is the emotional reaction based on the assumption you made.

Finally you need to be aware of your needs. We all have needs, physical needs psychological needs and emotional needs. It is normal to have these needs and it is healthy to acknowledge them. As adults we are expected to meet many of our own needs. This is obvious when it comes to physical needs but it may not be as clear when it comes to psychological or emotional needs. If you are hungry you find something to eat. What do you do when we feel sad or anxious and need comfort? How do you comfort yourself? Do you recognize that need is present? Do you expect others to meet your needs for you? How do you comfort yourself? Do you expect others to know what your needs without you telling them? Learning to recognize your emotional needs requires practice (see August column "How do I Know What I Want"). Learning to express those needs requires courage. Finding healthy ways to meet your needs can only occur if you recognize the needs and learn to accept them. It is often useful to express needs as a simple statement of fact ("I need some time to myself") or as a direct request (Please help me clean the kitchen). In this way you avoid making a value judgment of the other person and maximize the odds of having your needs acknowledged.

Summary:
The building blocks of clear effective and respectful communication involve three components (a) awareness of your emotions, your assumptions about the situation/person and your emotional needs (b) willingness to take responsibility for how you feel and not blame others and (c) willing to articulate your emotional needs.

Respective personal communication, like all skills takes time to develop. It requires practice, patience and the willing to take risks speaking your emotions and allowing your self to be open to others on an emotional level. If you want to begin working with these ideas I recommend that you begin with concrete well defined situations and remember to be compassionate and respectful with yourself as you learn to communicate in a different and more genuine manner.

11. What do you feel?

We often evaluate our feelings. We judge emotions as positive or negative, good or bad, right or wrong. For example, many people think it is wrong to get angry and a weakness to cry. Others believe very happy emotions suggest being out of control. For these individuals it may feel frightening to be "too happy".

The emotional parts of feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad, positive or negative. When you evaluate your emotions this way, you add stress to your life. Developing an attitude of acceptance towards your feelings lets you develop a more positive relationship with your own emotional reality. Whatever you feel is what you feel, so try to accept those feelings rather than judge them.

The evaluative aspect of emotion comes into play when we look at the behaviours associated with different emotions. In fact it may be negative, bad or wrong to be physically aggressive when angry. It may be negative, bad or wrong to be disrespectful to yourself or others when you are sad, angry or distressed. This evaluation process is directed specifically at behaviours related to the emotion and not at the feeling itself.

This is a very important and useful distinction. As long as you are evaluating the emotional aspect of your feelings, you can't begin to develop a healthy relationship with those feelings. As indicated above the first step is to accept the feelings as they are.

Although feelings are normal and we all have them, many people are unable to access their emotions. If your main feeling is "numbness" you may be blocking emotions. This is a common phenomenon in individuals with chronically elevated stress levels and in individuals who have experienced extremely painful emotional feelings.

Emotional numbing is unhealthy because it tends to block out all emotions. It robs you of feeling joy and being able to genuinely connect with yourself and other people. It leaves you vulnerable to emotional isolation. It flattens your emotional life.

Here are some simple steps to help you get in touch with your feelings:
1. Take five minutes a day, sit quietly and breath normally
2. Ask yourself, how do I feel? Listen for the answer, do not think about it, simply wait and allow the answer to arrive
3. If you have difficulty determining what you feel, ask yourself; do I feel happy, do I feel sad, angry, frustrated, bored, scared and anxious.

By using this checklist it will help you to identify which specific emotion you may be experiencing.

Once you are able to recognize and accept your feelings, to consciously be aware of them without judgment, it becomes possible to evaluate why you feel the way you do. This is most helpful when done without blame. Only you are responsible for your feelings.

12. What do you feel?
We often evaluate our feelings. We judge emotions as positive or negative, good or bad, right or wrong. For example, many people think it is wrong to get angry and a weakness to cry. Others believe very happy emotions suggest being out of control. For these individuals it may feel frightening to be "too happy".

By using this checklist it will help you to identify which specific emotion you may be experiencing.

Disclaimer: EnerChi Health is strictly a resource for information and education only on complementary and alternative health practices. The content on this site is not to be used for the purpose of diagnosing or treating medical conditions or to replace conventional medical treatment in any way. If you have a medical concern you must consult a qualified health care provider.